


Heart Invader, Heart Stealer

by UnhelpfulPanda



Series: AU Rave Party [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: All other characters are minor - Freeform, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Asshole Gamzee, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Humanstuck, I honestly have no idea how to tag this fic I'm not gonna lie, Implied Past Relationships, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sloppy Makeouts, Strangers to Lovers, abusive gamzee, also mentions of dirk and bro (as separate people), canon abusive bro, porn in last chapter, sassy bunnies make everything better, this fic has gamzee hate sorry not sorry, yeah thats pretty much it enjoy the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-12-02 19:58:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11516361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnhelpfulPanda/pseuds/UnhelpfulPanda
Summary: chapter 1: "accidentally broke into your house because I was drunk" AUchapter 2: "holy shit I'm in the wrong car" AUchapter 3: they do the do





	1. Home Invasion Hottie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter 1: "accidentally broke into your house because I was drunk" AU  
> John Egbert makes bad decisions when he gets drunk. He gets turned around trying to drunkenly walk home alone and accidentally breaks into the home of one Dave Strider instead. Dave, surprisingly, does NOT call the police on the drunk man trying to sleep on his couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If a drunk man breaks into your house, please do not make him hot cocoa.
> 
>  
> 
> [ Long List of AUs](http://transmansylveon.tumblr.com/post/110322003353/)
> 
>  
> 
> implied Jade/Karkat in this chapter

**== > Be the Home Invasion Hottie**

            Your name is John Egbert, and you don’t have a drinking problem, per say. But when you _do_ drink, _you_ are a problem. There is an entire city in Florida that you are banned in because of your drunken shenanigans when you went on a roadtrip once. You don’t actually _remember_ any of it, but you woke up in a jail cell with new nipple piercings and wearing a pair of women’s underwear that didn’t belong to any of your female friends on the roadtrip with you. And a rabbit; you can’t forget the rabbit. The shelter informed you that you adopted her, naming her Liv Tyler. Apparently you had attempted to adopt ten other rabbits as well, but the shelter only let you adopt Liv.

            Because you know what alcohol does to you, you had only meant to have one or two drinks at the bar party you were at, but _listen_ \- if someone issues a challenge, you have to accept or you look like a weenie. Or, at least, that’s how you felt when Jade boasted she could down more shots of tequila than you could.

            You actually lost count of how many shots you threw back, but Karkat assured you it was a smaller number than Jade’s as he peeled you off the floor while you whined like a baby.

            “Alright, where’s your car keys?” Karkat demanded, already patting you down. You swatted his hands away and dug around in the pocket of your jeans, shoving said keys into his hands. “I can give you a ride home, but your apartment is in the opposite direction from me and Jade’s places so you’ll have to cough up some gas money, shitsniffer,” Karkat explained, tugging on Jade’s arm to get her away from the bartender she was arguing with after they cut her off.

            He tried to grab your arm as well but you stumbled back away from him, crossing your arms stubbornly. “No! I wanna walk!” you huffed.

            “Need I remind you of Florida, you fucking dickchomping asshole?? Besides, it’s illegal to wander around drunk off your ass!” Karkat protested loudly, reaching for you again. You stepped back again, whining loudly.

            “Noooo, I wanna walk! Stop oppressing me; you’re not my real dad!” you complained. Karkat groaned loudly, but your argument was interrupted by Jade barfing between the two of you. Luckily, you jumped back enough to be safe, but Karkat and his shoes were not so lucky.

            “Ooooooh nooooooo!” Jade moaned pitifully. Karkat cursed colorfully under his breath, glancing at you as he led Jade out of the bar.

            “Fine, fine, walk your stupid ass home, but if you get arrested I’m not bailing you out again!” he snapped, though you both know he would definitely bail you out again. You giggled triumphantly for a few minutes before wobbling out the door and toward your apartment. You think.

            The stairs were tricky to maneuver while so unsteady on your feet, but you managed to make it to the top and stumbled towards your front door. Something nagged in the back of your mind, but it was quickly forgotten when you slipped on the welcome mat. When did you get a welcome mat…? Well, whatever.

            It’s then you realized Karkat had your keys, including your house key. Luckily, you knew a trick to getting your front door open without your keys! You twisted the knob in the wrong direction until you felt the ‘ _click!_ ’ of the door unlocking, grinning stupidly to yourself as you entered your apartment.

            The feeling of something being off returned as you stumbled towards the couch and plopped down. It smelled different. It felt different, too. Fuck, it didn’t matter, you were too fucking tired and way too drunk to think about it. You curled up on the couch and settled in, not even bothering to make your way to your bed. It didn’t matter; you closed your eyes and sighed softly.

            And then the light clicked on.

 

* * *

 

**== > Be Dave**

            Your name is Dave Strider, and what the fuck, someone just broke into your house?? Not that ‘ _broke_ ’ is the right word; he probably used that doorknob trick Dirk showed you. Fuck, fuck, fuck, Dirk insisted you change your doorknob and you turned him down, now you were gonna get… well, you didn’t know what the intruder wanted, but it was probably nothing good!

            You grabbed up the baseball bat specifically bought for this scenario. Dirk wanted you to keep the katanas you were trained to use, but seeing them reminded you of the sound of metal clashing together and the sight of blood, and the scar on your torso ached just thinking about it, so you sold the swords and bought a bat.

            You held it in position, ready to swing at potential attackers, as you crept towards your living room. You couldn’t hear any sounds, but it would be stupid of you to think your intruder had left; he was probably being quiet to avoid being caught, not realizing you already heard him. Or her; you’re sure home intrusion is not a male-exclusive occupation.

            You peeked into the room and immediately saw the front door was left wide open. That was weird and honestly kinda dumb; one would think an open door in the middle of the night would draw attention that a home invader wouldn’t want. You glanced around the corner, and you didn’t see him immediately, expecting someone upright and not, you know, _sleeping on your fucking couch what the fuck_.

            This guy wasn’t dangerous, you thought with a roll of your eyes as you flicked on the light. It was just dim enough to not bother your eyes, but still did it’s job of illuminating the room. Your sleepy invader groaned, covering his face with his hands.

            “What the fuck are you doing?” you asked coolly. He didn’t answer for a very long time, and you almost thought he had fallen back asleep before his reply finally came.

            “’m sleepin’, duh,” he mumbled back, and the slur of his voice was unmistakable.

            “You’re drunk,” you noted, coming closer to get a better look at him. He was still covering his face, but you could see his skin was tanned bronze and his hair was midnight black and messy as fuck. You could see the black square frame of glasses under his hands, and you wondered idly what his eyes looked like.

            The man on your couch giggled, a goofy grin blooming on his face. “I’m fucking wasted,” he agreed with you. You sighed to yourself, taking in his clothing. He didn’t look homeless, so you supposed that was a good sign. He dressed like a nerdy college student, complete with a Star Wars shirt.

            “What’s your name?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest like a white suburban mom who was about to ask for the store’s manager. You’ve worked retail; you are unfortunately familiar with the stance.

            “John,” he answered easily.

            “John…?” you prompted further.

            “Egbert. Can I sleep now?” the invader, _John_ , whined at you.

            “Nope. Do you know where you are?” you continued to question him.

            “…my house? What kind of stupid question is that?” he huffed, and the pieces began to fall into place.

            “Uh, no actually, you’re in _my_ house,” you corrected. You watched his mouth twist into petulant frown.

            “Nuh-uh!” he argued.

            “Yuh-huh,” you shot back instantly, feeling like a little kid again.

            “Nuh-uh, you’re a liar!”

            “No, I’m really not.”

            “Liar, liar, pants on fire!!” God, what was he? Ten? Singing that little song like he was in elementary school? What’s next, was he gonna stick his tongue out at you??

            “John, think about it. If this was your house, why would _I_ be in it?” you challenged, and this got him to pause his singing. He stayed silent for a good five minutes at least, but after a while he let his hands fall from his face as he finally actually _looked_ at you. Jesus, his eyes were a gorgeous deep blue, how was that color even _legal_?

            “Who…who are you?” he finally asked.

            “The guy who owns this place. Name’s Dave Strider. Now can you get your wasted ass out of my house?” You gestured impatiently at the front door. He glanced at it, then back at you, then the little dick snuggled further into the couch.

            “Nope, I’m sleeping here,” he simpered, shutting his eyes again. You crowded into his face, glaring down at him.

            “The hell you are; I will drag your fat ass out of this fucking house,” you growled. He opened his eyes again and stared at your face for a few moments, his cheeks going red.

            “You’re really pretty,” he stated, a bit awed. You scoffed, sitting back and trying to pretend your own face wasn’t flushing at his words.

            “Great, first you break into my house, and then you get all homo with me,” you muttered. He made an indignant noise and you added, “I mean yeah, I swing that way, but buy a guy dinner before you break into his house drunk and sleep on his couch!” And then he _legit_ stuck his tongue out at you. Was he even real?

            You guess you would have to carry this fucking kid out of your house, wouldn’t you? Sighing, you hoisted him up until he was standing and tried to half lead half drag him towards the door.

            Only, the kid was _drunk_ god Dave why are you such an _idiot_?? He of course was unstable and fell over before you could get to the door, and in trying to help him stay upright you went with him. There was a lot of fumbling and you probably looked like a pair of morons, and it ended with you flat on your back with him catching himself before crushing you with a hand on either side of your head and a knee between your legs. You stared up at him with wide eyes, frozen in place because _holy fuck this is really gay **you** are really gay and this guy is hot and **way too fucking close**_.

            And then the fucker whispered, “This is just like the animes…” like an awestuck weeb, and you spluttered and shoved him off you quickly. “What?? It was totally an anime cliché; you can’t say it wasn’t!” he cried out defensively, though he made no move to get off the floor and you weren’t about to try helping him again.

            He was right, you suppose, but he didn’t have to say it out loud! “Whatever, I guess you’re not getting out of my house any time soon. Want anything to eat or drink? Preferably something that will sober you up quickly?” you offered as you went to shut your front door and lock it. Though you guess it was a moot point now; you already had an intruder in your house.

            “Oh, uh, do you have hot cocoa?” John asked hopefully, bright blue eyes boring into you in a way that turned your cheeks red.

            “Yep,” you replied simply, ducking into your kitchen.

            “With the little marshmallows in it?” he added. You scoffed slightly as you started making your drinks.

            “Of course; I’m not a goddamn heathen,” you retorted playfully, smiling to yourself when you hear a giggle-snort from the other room.

            “Oh, but make sure not to have any nuts; I’m allergic to nuts,” he informed you.

            “That’s a shame,” you muttered under your breath, sure he couldn’t hear you from the living room.

            Problem was, he wasn’t.

            Apparently, he had come up to watch you make his drink, because suddenly he was speaking up from right next to you. “I would say ‘ _no homo, right_?’ but you’ve already told me you dance on the other side of the ballroom, so I’m pretty sure it was at least a little bit homo,” he chuckled.

            You jolted and almost upended the cup of lukewarm cocoa water, whipping around to see him grinning at you. He was swaying a bit but still upright. Oh so _now_ he can walk without falling over?? “You, uh… You weren’t supposed to hear that,” you mumbled, the tips of your ears burning.

            “Mm, I’m sure, but I’m glad I did anyways; you are super cute when you’re embarrassed,” John leaned in towards you and you had to steady him before he fell, _again_. You were sure your face looked like a fucking tomato at this point, but you tried to act casual and continued making the hot cocoa.

            When the microwave finished heating up the mugs of hot cocoa, you turned and carefully handed one of them over. "Careful, it's hot," you warned, a warning which went unheard when John took the hot beverage and immediately sipped it before jerking his face away and sticking out his tongue with a whine.

            "It's hot," he complained. You rolled your eyes and took your drink into the living room. He followed you like a clingy, slightly unsteady puppy, sitting down beside you and attempting to nonchalantly sip his cocoa before cringing away from the mug and sticking out his burnt tongue. Again.

            You side eyed him as you blew carefully on your own drink before cautiously sipping it. It came out perfectly, _fuck_ _yeah_. Nothing like a nice cup of hot cocoa with a strange drunk man who broke into your house, right?

            "It's too hot, Dave!" John whined, kicking his feet childishly and narrowly avoiding spilling said hot beverage into his lap.

            "Then blow on it, dude," you suggested, rolling your eyes at his antics.

            "... will you do it for me?" he asked, sounding just pitiful enough that you gave in and leaned over to blow on his cocoa for him, as if he was three fucking years old and you were his exasperated mother lamenting your lack of foresight nine months ago when you didn't make his father wear a condom. What are you talking about again? "Thank you," John murmured, sipping at his drink. You shrugged and went back to sipping your own drink.

            The silence stretched on; just you and the intoxicated man beside you, sipping your hot cocoa and not speaking. It surprised you when he leaned his head against your shoulder, and you carefully peered into his face without disturbing him. His eyes were drooping and the almost empty mug was held loosely in his hands. You carefully lifted it out of his hands and they dropped into his lap. You leaned forward just enough to set it down on the coffee table in front of the couch before settling back down.

            "Bro, you fallin' asleep?" you inquired. John just hummed sleepily in reply. You reached behind you for the blanket you keep draped on the back of the couch, draping it across the both of your laps. You figured you would wait for him to fall asleep and then sneak off to bed.

            It briefly crossed your mind how batshit insane this whole thing was; making cocoa for an intruder and letting him sleep on your couch with his head on your shoulder. But he was cute, and endearing in an annoying way.

            You didn't realize how tired you were until you began to nod off. You could just rest your eyes, it wouldn't hurt anything, right? You wouldn't fall asleep, just relax for a bit. That's what you told yourself, anyways.

 

* * *

 

            You woke up the next day, at almost noon, laying vertically on the couch and tucked in with the blanket. A note written with a blue pen sat on your coffee table, right next to the two empty mugs of cocoa. You sat up, yawning, and snatched the note off the table to read.

   

            Underneath his last "p.s." was his phone number scrawled out messily with a heart drawn after it. Your face went red and you crumbled up the paper, throwing it across the room.

            Immediately, you bolted after said paper, carefully smoothing it out before folding it up and tucking it into your pocket. Oh fuck, you were _so goddamn screwed up_. You stomped back to bed, annoyed more with yourself than the dweeby home invader that also invaded your heart.

            ......Holy shit, that was _so gay_. You groaned to yourself and flopped down onto your bed, wondering how hard it would be to smother yourself with your pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha no dave das gay :3c


	2. Car Stealing Sexbomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2: "holy shit I'm in the wrong car" AU  
> After their first odd meeting, John and Dave meet up again when Dave's car gets towed and he mistakes John's car for his own, accidentally attempting to steal said car with John sleeping in the back. John thinks it's probably fate and also definitely karma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone accidentally gets in your car and tries to drive away in it with you in the backseat, please don't let him drive you home. Even if you've met once before lol
> 
> This part of the AU isn't a part of the [ Long List of AUs](http://transmansylveon.tumblr.com/post/110322003353/), it's an AU I collected from somewhere else lol
> 
> warnings for some Gamzee hate, mentions of past Gamrezi (and abusive Gamzee), mentions of past Daverezi (as fuckbuddies), implied Vrisrezi if you squint (because I didn't do a good job implying it), sort of mentions of past one sided Johnkat?, mentions of past poly Davejadekat, and mentions of abusive Bro being abusive
> 
> also, sloppy makeouts! and cute bunnies!

**== > Be the Car Stealing Sexbomb**

 

            Your name is Dave Strider, and you swear you will _never_ spend a night at Terezi's house again.

            She wanted your help with an art project, and so you drove to her house. Only, her apartment complex doesn't have guest parking, so you had to find somewhere else to park. You decided the safest place to park was the parking lot of this dumb little convenience store way down the street from her house, so you parked and walked the rest of the way to her place, hoping the store owners wouldn't have your car towed.

            Terezi ended up doing more art _on you_ than on the actual poster board paper, so that you had glitter in your hair, a sticker stuck to your cheek, and marker doodles from shoulder to wrist on both arms. You might not have been bothered if the doodles weren't the work of a legally blind ginger who you _swore_ was huffing her markers when you weren't looking.

            "'Rezi, I gotta jet. I'm tired as fuck," you proclaimed. Terezi frowned in your general direction.

            "Awwww! Come on, Coolkid, just a bit longer? You can crash on the couch!" she whined. You went to complain and caught a weird expression on her face. "Dave, I don't really want to be alone right now..." she whispered, almost to herself, and you wondered if she had another run in with her asshole ex-boyfriend.

            You sighed and sat down beside her, folding up your jeans to give her access to the unmarked skin on your legs. What were friends (and their legs) for, right? As long as she didn't mind drawing through a bit of leg hair, that is. Terezi perked up, grabbing an indigo marker and freezing up when she saw the color. That was always the marker he used, after all.

            It broke your heart to see one of the strongest women you've ever met (and you've met a few of them; have three of them in your family, in fact) rendered paralyzed by an uglyass colored marker favored by an abusive prick. You snatched the marker from her and pocketed it before handing off the red marker that was her favorite.

            Terezi gave you a toothy grin and began to draw designs on your bare legs. You rolled your eyes and snorted at her, but she knew you didn't mind it since you offered said legs up to her.

            Anyways, like you said, you spent all night with her, talking and watching movies and letting her doodle on you and add _even more_ glitter to your hair. You passed out on the couch sometimes during one of the movies, and Terezi didn't bother waking you up again. It wasn't until noon the next day that you woke up, your back sore and a crick in your neck. Terezi was passed out on the floor in front of her TV, so you carefully picked her up and carried her to her bed, tucking her in and brushing confetti out of her hair as best you could before giving up and leaving.

            The trek back to your car was a nuisance, and when you got to said car the key gave you trouble when trying to unlock it. Hm. That doesn't usually happen? Well, whatever, you thought to yourself as you wiggled the key until it unlocked the car.

            The ignition did the same thing, and you had to wiggle it around until it finally allowed you start the car. Weird... you should maybe think about getting a new car soon. You sighed to yourself, fiddling with the rearview mirror to see better. Had you bumped it with your head? Hm, no, the side mirrors were also off. And now that you thought about it, the seat felt wrong, too. But maybe you were imagining things; you _were_ pretty tired still. You were about to begin adjusting everything to your liking when you caught movement in the rearview mirror.

            Someone had sat up in the backseat. Had he been laying down?? Was he sleeping in the back of your car?? "What the fuck," he said, more just a general statement than a question. You resisted screaming.

 

* * *

 

**=== > Be John**

 

            Your name is John Egbert, and what the fuck, someone is trying to steal your car _with you in it_.

            You had gotten out of bed at the buttcrack of dawn to go to work, 6am sharp, for your shift. The owner of the convenience store was already arguing with a man with juggalo face paint, bloodshot eyes, the stench of weed and who knows what other drugs, and a huge cart filled with shit.

            "John!" The owner, Vriska, called your name and waved you over hurriedly. You jogged up towards the cash register and stood beside her to appraise the juggalo. Vriska liked you because you would do her dirty work, like dealing with irritating customers when she got fed up with them.

            "What's up, Vriska?" you asked curiously.

            "This guy came in the second the store opened and is demanding I bag every single item in its own bag, but refuses to pay extra for the bags. Also, I told him we refuse service to intoxicated people, and that the sign _says_ I have a right to refuse service to anyone!" Vriska explained, crossing her arms and glaring his way. "He says I'm being _unfair_ , but I've made it clear it's because he's being unreasonable and is high as fuck," she added.

            "Bull fucking shit, you just want to all up and refuse service to me because you're friends with that bitch," the juggalo hissed.

            You had to hold Vriska back by her arm to avoid her climbing over the counter to beat the shit out of him. "Her name is _Terezi_ , you shitdazzler! Call her that again and I'll beat the shit out of you!" Vriska snarled. You patted her arm until she took deep breaths, flipping her blond hair over her shoulder and turning towards you. "Anyways, I can't deal with him anymore. Get him to leave and put away his items and I'll give you the rest of today and all of tomorrow off, _with_ pay," she bargained.

            It was a good bargain, you thought, so you nodded and allowed her to duck into the back room before putting on your best customer service voice and beginning what you can only describe as an _ordeal_ with the drugged up juggalo.

            It took you until about 11am to get him to leave, and even then you didn't actually get him to do anything. He suddenly attacked you and you punched him in the face and knocked him the fuck out, then called the police to have him taken into custody.

            Vriska came out after the officers had left with the unconscious man, applauding you. "Great work, John! You deserve your time off!" she praised. You sighed and clocked out, moving to the door before she stopped you. "Hey John, is that your car?" she asked, pointing to a car that looked almost identical to yours.

            "Nah, mine is that one," You pointed out your car, and she nodded thoughtfully. "Why?"

            "Huh? Oh, it's been there since last night. It looked like yours, so I thought you were being weird and lurking? But since it's not yours, I'm towing it," Vriska explained as she dialed a number on the phone.

            You were grateful she hadn't towed it thinking it was you, as it would have sucked to be towed by your boss for lurking around your own place of employment. Not like you would do something like that? Still, the sentiment stands. You just felt bad for the guy who that car _did_ belong to.

            You made it out to your car, emotionally drained from your ordeal with the juggalo. And your knuckles were bruised from punching him so hard. Truthfully, you think you _might_ have overdone it; you have a lot of mangrit so you probably could have knocked him out with a much softer punch. But you were frustrated with him and offended by his audacity to assault you, so you hit harder than was strictly necessary. Whatever, he deserved it.

            The point was, you were tired as hell. You crawled into the backseat of your car and decided to take a short nap before driving home. You draped a jacket over your face and curled up as small as you could before passing out.

            It wasn't until the car started that you realized something was wrong. You waited a moment or two, contemplating whether or not this was truly happening. As you heard them begin to adjust the mirrors, you realized: yes, this _was_ truly happening.

            You sat up and immediately recognized the man sitting in the front seat of _your_ car. It was the guy whose house you accidentally broke into when you were drunk. You had given him your number, but he was probably creeped out by you and that's why he never called.

            Still, why was he trying to steal your car?? Was this karma?? Payback??

            "What the fuck," you stated in a monotone, not even bothering to phrase it as a question. The blonde whipped around and let out a small, shocked shriek. "Well, that was charming," you added on with an amused smirk.

            "What are you doing in my car??" he demanded, voice cracking. You snickered, shaking your head.

            "Oh, how the tables have turned... this is _my_ car, Dave," you chided. Dave glared at you. "No, really!"

            "So where is _mine_?" Dave demanded.

            "If it looks like this car, then my boss towed it," you explained, stretching. Dave made a noise of dismay and hit his head against the steering wheel, making your car honk briefly. You could hear his feet stomping childishly. "So, uh... are you done throwing your baby fit? Can you drive me home? I just had a huge fiasco involving a juggalo hyped up on drugs and dealing with the aftereffects of a nasty breakup," you mentioned. Dave paused.

            "...a juggalo?" he inquired.

            "Yep!"

            "And his ex... a woman named Terezi?"

            "Yeah! He's not your friend, is he?" you inquired warily. Dave scoffed.

            "Hells to the no. I was hanging out with Terezi all night last night," he replied easily. You swallowed the sudden lump in your throat.

            "O-oh, that's cool. Did you have fun?" you asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Dave glanced over his shoulder at you and smirked.

            "No, I am not fucking Terezi. We were fuck buddies once upon a time, but it was a weird time and anyways, I'm pretty sure she realized recently that she's a lesbian, so don't work yourself into a tizzy. Are you gonna come get into the front seat or am I some kind of unofficial Uber here?" he explained, gesturing to the front seat as he finished.

            You grinned back at him and climbed into the passenger seat, careful not to kick the blonde in the head as you went. Once you were finally situated in the front seat, you relayed the directions to your house. Dave nodded, failing to contain his chuckle. "What?" you asked, frowning. He shook his head, laughing more.

            "Your house is in the opposite direction as mine. You must have been super fucking drunk that one time, dude. Who let you run around all by your inebriated lonesome?" Dave teased you playfully.

            "Karkat didn't really _let_ me, per say. Turn left here," you replied with a snort before directing him.

            "You know Karkat?" he asked as he made the turn. "Wait, are you the 'no homo' guy he was foaming at the mouth about like two years ago?" he added.

            "Uh, yeah. You know him, too? Park here in this spot," you ordered, and then realized something. "Waaaaaait, you're the insufferable prick that he and Jade dated for a few months and then broke up with, aren't you?" you accused.

            Dave finished parking and shut the car off. "Yep, that's me. We just weren't feelin' it, ya know?" The two of you hopped out of the car and made your way up to your apartment. "Okay, other than the fact that our apartments are in opposite directions, I can kinda see how you wouldn't really notice anything off while drunk. Except that, you know, the stairways are totally different and you don't have a welcome mat in front of your door," he added as you unlocked the door and let him in.

            "You want anything to eat or drink?" you asked, watching him plop down onto your couch before ducking into the kitchen. Dave made a noncommittal sound as you peeked into your fridge. Mmm, nothing good to eat. You guess you'll just order pizza? You pulled out your phone and ordered online as you wandered out into the living room. "Pizza will be here relatively soon," you informed him as you settled into the couch beside him.

            "Sweet! What should we do until then, though?" Dave inquired. Blue eyes met red, and he smirked. "You know, we are both sober adults alone in your house..." he trailed off meaningfully. You perked up, trying not to look too excited.

            "Is this going where I think it's going?" you asked him. Dave crawled into your lap, straddling your lap and draping his arms loosely around your neck.

            "I don't know, John. Is it?" he purred.

            "Now _this_ is like one of my animes," you grinned, and Dave gave you the flattest, most unimpressed look you think you've ever seen. You groped his ass before he even thought about absconding, and he let out a surprised squeak and jolted in your lap.

            You met each other halfway, molding your lips together. Dave tilted his head just slightly to achieve a better angle, his hands moving to tangle into your hair. You nibbled on his bottom lip and he gasped beautifully, allowing you to shove your tongue into his mouth and explore every inch of his hot, wet mouth. He let you dominate the kiss for a bit before he grew discontent with his passive part and his tongue began to dance with yours.

            You let out an embarrassingly needy moan when Dave sucked on your tongue, pulling back to catch your breath, but apparently Dave was not content to simply let you breathe, moving to nip and suck at your throat instead.

            "Jesus fuck, Dave," you groaned, squeezing his plush ass roughly. Dave let out an encouraging moan against your neck, his hips rolling against yours eagerly. You suddenly found you couldn't help but chuckle despite the situation you were in. "I can't believe I'm gonna get laid because your car got towed and you tried to steal mine," you commented, amusement clear in your voice.

            Dave pulled back just far enough to level you with an annoyed glare. "If you recall, I thought the car was _mine_. And you broke into my house first, so it's just karma at work," he explained with a huff.

            You shrugged, responding easily with, "yeah, but I'm still getting laid, aren't I?" Dave sighed, tilting back far enough that he would have toppled over if not for your arms around his waist holding him up.

            "Ugh. You're lucky you're so hot, ya know. I _guess_ ," he grumbled. You laughed, standing up and hoisting him up in your arms, ignoring his shrieking and his fists banging against your back. You carried him into your room and tossed him down onto your bed, and he shouted, "how can you even carry me?? You're like a whole foot shorter than me!" You chuckled and flexed your arm, waggling your eyebrows at him.

            "It's called _'mangrit'_ , babe. Deal with it," you smirked. Dave sighed, tossing his shades onto your end table before laying back and stretching his arms above his head. His shirt rode up and you caught a glimpse of something underneath. "Hey, what's that?" you asked, climbing onto bed and lifting his shirt higher.

            "H-hey!" Dave protested, trying push his clothing back down, but you caught his hands and held them in place with one of yours while your other hand traced along what you now could clearly see as a particularly nasty scar. It wasn't grotesque or anything, but it was long as must have been a deep wound at one time.

            You ran your finger along the scar and Dave jerked his entire body and hissed through his teeth. "Does it hurt?" you inquired worriedly.

            "No, it just-" you ran your finger against it again and his face twisted, "-it's not really hurting. I mean, it _shouldn't_ , but sometimes there are weird phantom pains when I think about it," he babbled, avoiding looking at your face. You let go of his hands and sat back to give him room, and he sat up and almost curled in on himself.

            "What happened? What did that? _Who_ did that?" you questioned worriedly.

            Dave stayed silent for a long enough that you wondered if you should change the subject, but ultimately he sighed and replied, "My eldest brother was a piece of shit. He would go from neglecting me and my other older brother to dragging us out on the roof of our Texas apartment and beating the shit out of us with a sword. He said he was training us, that we were just strifing, but who hands a ten year old a katana and sword fights with them? A fucking lunatic, that's who."

            "Dave..." you trailed off, unsure what to say, but he interrupted you with a bitter laugh.

            "My other brother managed to get us out of that asshole's 'care' after _this_ ," he gestured to his torso and the scar, "almost killed me. The doctors had to stitch me up and I had to have a blood transfusion. The scar is no big deal, but the fear and panic at the sight of blood or other the sound of metal hitting metal or other loud noises..." Dave trailed off, then shook his head and chuckled dryly. "Let's just say I'm super fucked up and call it a day, right?" he suggested.

            You rubbed at his arm in what you hoped was a soothing way, unsure of how to make him feel better. Suddenly, an idea struck you. "Wait here," you ordered before darting out of the room. You returned with your white and brown ball of fluff, setting her down on the bed. The bunny shook her floppy ears and thumped petulantly at you for picking her up.

            "A bunny?" Dave asked, and Liv froze at the sound of a stranger's voice. She hopped over to him, warily, and sniffed his leg. He held out a hand and she recoiled for only a moment before sniffing the offered limb and lowering her head for pets. "She's cute," he murmured, petting her head gently.

            "Her name is Liv Tyler, I've had her for two years but I think she's three years old? She's mad at me because I haven't given her enough attention lately," you explained, reaching out to pet her as well.

            Liv made an unhappy grunting sound not unlike a pig and lunged at you, and you quickly pulled your hand back. Dave paused his petting and she nudged his leg with her nose, demanding he continue to pet her. The blonde shrugged and gave the fluffy animal what she wanted from him.

            Instead of having sex, the two of you watched Liv hop around on the bed and dig in the blankets until Dave yawned. "Ready for a nap?" You asked with a wry smile as you picked up the bunny and left to put her back.

            "A nap sounds good. Take one with me?" Dave asked. You sighed as if you were _so_ put upon and laid down in bed with him, covering the two of you up with your blanket. Dave snuggled up against your side, humming comfortably. He pat your chest clumsily. "We'll bang later," he mumbled. You snorted at him and settled in for some shuteye, unsure how you got to where you were, cuddling up to the man who had accidentally tried to steal your car, and maybe stole your heart too?

            ......Holy shit, that was really gay. You inwardly groaned, turning and burying your face in soft blonde locks. Well.... at least he was cute. And his hair smelled like cinnamon apples. You could have done worse, you supposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with both previous parts of this AU series, if y'all want the smut, y'all gotta comment requesting it! ;P It's how I get validation, because no one loves me lol
> 
> .........anyways, request the pronz! you can request kinks and who tops and all that good stuff, too. (EDIT: the pronz is up, read it in chapter 3!)
> 
> I feel like I'm forgetting something. Hm.......
> 
> .........I FORGOT THE PIZZA


	3. Invade My Butt With Your Penis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the porn, as requested. It's really late because writer block and shit, but I hope y'all like it anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE TOLD ME THAT THEY FORGOT THE PIZZA LAST CHAPTER???
> 
> anyways, this chapter fixes that. Also, there's more of Liv Tyler the bunny.
> 
> ......and porn, obviously.

            You woke up to John talking hurriedly on the phone and your stomach twisted itself into knots instantly. Is this where you find out the guy you almost had sex with is actually like... married? Or something?

            But then you actually tuned into the conversation and let out a sigh of relief.

            "No, no, it's totally okay! Like I said, we actually forgot about the pizza and fell asleep. I get why the pizza didn't get here, man. Is the delivery person okay though? Oh, okay, that's good news! I'm glad they are alright! Oh, uh... it's not really necessary, but I'm not gonna turn down free food, either. Thanks, man, I appreciate it! We can just have it for breakfast; pizza is not a dinner specific meal. Yeah! Okay, I'll see them soon. Fifteen minutes? Cool, cool, tell them to drive safely! Haha, okay, thanks again. Bye."

            John chuckled to himself and tossed the phone down onto the bedside table, turning towards the bed and starting slightly when he saw you staring at him. "I can't believe we forgot about our pizza. What happened, anyways?" you inquired, stretching. You watched him trail his eyes down your body appreciatively before he registered your question and perked up.

            "Oh! The delivery person got in a car accident, which wouldn't have been a big deal, except they were like... 80 years old or something, and they had a _heart attack_ and went to the hospital! The manager was just calling me to apologize and explain things, and she said she would get us our pizza and add in some free breadsticks for our trouble," John explained.

            You nodded thoughtfully to yourself as you listened to him, and then let out a startled yelp when white and brown fluff suddenly landed on the bed. Liv sat up on her hind legs and looked around for any danger before hopping up to you and nudging you for pets. You pet the bunny and let her hop around on you while John sat on the bed and waited patiently for her to approach him.

            "I hope you don't mind her being out, by the way. She likes to hop around the house while I'm cooking or watching TV," John explained. You shrugged, and Liv hopped off to see her owner, sniffing his knee. "Please don't bite me," he added to the bunny. She licked his knee a few times and then nudged him for pets, which he happily delivered.

            "I don't mind her; she's cute,” you responded, lying on your stomach and watching the black haired man interact with his bunny. You chuckled when Liv skittered away from John and hopped up onto your back at the sound of the doorbell ringing, making sure to stay still to avoid making her fall off.

            “Pizza’s here!” John called rhetorically from the living room. You snorted out a laugh at the feeling of Liv snuffling at your ear, sure she would probably take a nibble at the arm of your shades had you been wearing them.

            “I’ve been captured! Bring the pizza to me or I’ll starve!” You called back. You could barely hear him in the kitchen, but Liv definitely heard and was very interested in what she was hearing. She hopped over your head and stood up on her back legs, sniffing the air.

            A moment later, John entered the room with the box of pizza and breadsticks, two paper plates, and a container of leafy veggies. Liv jumped for joy at the sight of her tasty treat, running back and forth on the bed impatiently. She was deeply disappointed when, instead of setting down her veggies so she could dig in, her owner set down the pizza and then scooped her up in his arms.

            “You can eat the veggies in your room!” you heard him tell her in exasperation as he left the room, and shortly after that there was a loud noise you assume was Liv thumping after he set her down.

            “Your rabbit has her own room?” You asked as soon as he returned, already having helped yourself to the food. John shrugged as he plopped down beside you and got his own food.

            “Most of it, anyways. I’ve also got my piano in there, fenced off so she can’t destroy it, but rabbits need a lot of room and I don’t really need a full separate room for myself, so it worked out pretty well,” John explained, adding in a quick, “please don’t get crumbs in my bed,” that you pointedly ignored. Crumbs happen, bro; deal with it.

            “I don’t have a second room in my place. I just have one of those storage closet things you can walk into, but I converted it into a darkroom when I first moved in,” You told him. From there, you chatted idly about your interests as you munched on your food.

            It was inevitable that once the food was eaten and the leftovers were set aside, you would find yourself in the blue eyed man’s lap, straddling him and locking lips in much the same way you had last night on couch. Only this time, he had no reservations about sliding his hands into the back of your pants to squeeze your bare ass, drawing an embarrassing whine from you.

            You rolled your hips against his, but it was frustrating with both of your pants in the way and you groaned more in irritation than in pleasure. “Pants need to come off,” you muttered against John’s mouth. He nodded and removed his hands from your ass, letting you climb off him to strip off your pants and boxers as he did the same.

            You contemplated whether or not to leave your shirt on. Usually you kept it on during sex, but usually your partners hadn’t seen your scar, let alone heard the story behind it. John seemed to notice your hesitation, smiling warmly at you in a way that made your heart race. “You can keep it on if it’s more comfortable for you,” he assured you.

            You left your shirt in place, grateful for his reassurance.

            John gladly accepted you back into his lap, grinding his bare cock against yours as his hands went back to groping your ass. You moaned at the dual sensations, but couldn’t help the breathless chuckle that escaped you. “You really like my ass, don’t you?” you teased him.

           John gave you a lopsided grin, clearly unashamed of his enjoyment of your backside. “It’s a great ass, I’m not going to apologize for my appreciation of your great ass,” he responded easily, voice barely wavering even though he was still rolling his hips against you and creating delicious friction on your dicks. You let out a soft gasp as his fingers slipped between the cheeks teasingly. “I’d like to appreciate it with another part of me, too, if you’re up for it,” he added.

            “Look at my dick and tell me if I’m ‘up for it’, John,” you growled, face flushing when he chuckled seductively at you. You let out a displeased whine when one of his hands left your ass, you hope to grab lube.

            “Shhh, be patient, Dave,” John quieted you, and you responded by attacking his neck with your lips and teeth, pleased to gain a few quiet moans from your partner as you sucked lovebites into his skin. The sound of the lube bottle opening made you squirm, but your blue eyed lover took a frustratingly long time before his slick fingers were rubbing against your hole. You muffled a moan against his throat, pushing back eagerly against his fingers. The lube was not cold like you expected, which accounts for why it took so damn long; he was warming it up for you so you didn’t have to suffer the initial shock of cold lube against your asshole.

            What a sweet, thorough lover he was.

            What a _slow_ , thorough lover he was!

            John made sure to be careful while he stretched you, shushing you and kissing you quiet any time you whimpered or demanded him for faster, harder, _more_. “I’ve taken dick before, John. I don’t need you to treat me like I’m glass; I won’t _break_ ,” you hissed. He twisted his three fingers inside you until he was pressed against your prostate, smirking when you moaned and fisted your hands in his hair.

            “It’s only polite that I make sure you are ready for me, especially since I plan to absolutely _destroy you_ , sweetheart,” he purred, and despite the dangerous tone of his voice, you shuddered and pulled his face towards you by his hair, devouring his mouth hungrily.

            When he finally removed his fingers and pushed you off his lap, you groaned in relief and watched as he slid the condom down onto his dick, applying more lube before his hands were on you, dragging you towards him and kneeling between your obscenely spread legs.

            Unlike the slowness of his prep, when John pushed his cock inside you, it was one long, fluid motion that had you gasping and clawing lightly at his bare chest. “Too much?” he asked you once he bottomed out, rubbing your thigh comfortingly. His voice was breathy and shook a bit, and you were glad you were not the only one affected.

            You shook your head, breathing out a soft, “Almost.” John leaned over you until he could kiss your forehead, which was a comforting gesture even if it shifted his dick inside you.

            “Tell me if I need to stop, okay?” he whispered gently, and you nodded, watching his eyes as he pulled out almost all the way before slamming back into you _hard_. You arched your back and cried out, wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in closer. John did not let up, setting up a quick pace and absolutely _pounding_ your ass with no room for adjusting to the brutal pace. All you could do was lay there and take it.

            And take it you did. Gladly, in fact. And loudly.

            A stream of moans and curses fell from your lips, peppered with John’s name like a perverted prayer as you dug your nails into his back and listened to his labored breathing directly in your ear. His grip on your hips was rough and would probably leave bruises, but you couldn’t care less about a few bruises. In fact, you wanted _more_ , tilting your head so John could sink his teeth into the unmarred skin of your neck.

            When he brushed against your prostate, you _really_ sang for him, arching your back and gasping out, “ _There_ , right there, oh god John, oh _fuck_!”

            John moved just enough that he could look into your eyes, not pausing his assault on your ass. _Ass_ -ault? No that’s stupid Dave, shut up. “Shh! You’re so noisy, Dave, and you’re gonna get me a noise complaint! I have neighbors, you know!” he hissed.

            “ _Fuck_ your neighbors!” You snapped back, and he gave you a devious smirk.

            “How about I just keep fucking you instead?” John retorted, covering your mouth with one of his hands before he angled his hips and hit your prostate dead on. You absolutely _screamed_ for him, eyes rolling back in pleasure, but since he had your mouth covered, your loud noises were muffled enough that you wouldn’t be getting him a noise complaint. Probably.

            With the hand not occupied keeping your lewd sounds contained, John reached down between the two of you and fisted your neglected cock, letting you thrust into his hand and chase your finish until you were splattering cum all over his hand and your shirt, squeezing your ass until he groaned and slowed his thrusts until he was still, panting hot breath against your neck.

            You laid like that for a few minutes while the two of you caught your breath, John’s hand sliding off your mouth to pet your hair. “Wow,” you muttered.

            “You’re amazing, Dave,” he sighed back.

            “ _I’m_ amazing? _You_ did all the work!” you retorted, shaking your head.

            “Yes, but _you_ made the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard,” he responded easily, sitting up and gently pulling out of you. You whimpered a bit at the feeling, eyelids fluttering, and when you refocused your gaze on your lover, he was grinning at you. “Like that,” he added pointedly, tying off the used condom and tossing it in the trashcan nearby.

            “Shut up, I hope you _do_ get a noise complaint now,” you huffed. You waited a moment before adding, “I’m hungry again.”

            John snickered. “Me too, good thing we have the leftovers right here,” he smiled, handing you the pizza. You didn’t bother going to look for your discarded clothing or a new clean shirt, instead stripping out of your dirty one and tossing it onto the floor. John beamed at you but thankfully didn’t comment, and the two of you sat naked in bed eating pizza and arguing over who dropped crumbs in John’s bed.

            It was you, but you aren’t gonna tell _him_ that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as hard as this was to finish, I really enjoy how the ending turned out.
> 
> anyways, after this I'll be putting the AU series on hold to get to other fics and stuff, so. yeah.


End file.
